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flybycontactThis was written for Angstober 2024 using prompt 21, "Abandoned".
Title: What Can Be Left Behind
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Characters: Nanami, Touga, appearance from their shitty adoptive father in a flashback
Rating: R (heavy angst, Nanami's brother complex, child sexual abuse, manipulative behaviour, Touga being creepy)
Summary: Nanami fears that her brother will abandon her one day. Her fear doesn't come from nowhere, and Touga knows it all too well.
-
It isn't the first time that Nanami has run to her brother in distress first thing in the morning, still in her nightdress.
Touga, already dressed for the day in his uniform, is almost knocked back a step when she rushes to him in the upper floor hallway of their mansion and clings to him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his chest. "Whatever's gotten into you so early in the morning this time, Nanami?" He feigns astonishment while keeping his voice gentle.
Nanami is already starting to cry. "I just had the most horrible dream, big brother! You disappeared on me and left me all alone!" She shudders, her hands tightening their hold on the back of Touga's uniform. "It felt so real!"
There’s the slightest, most imperceptible hitch in Touga's breath -- the sort Nanami won't notice coming from him -- before he lets out an easy sigh. "Did it now? But if it was a dream, then of course it wasn’t real." He returns her embrace, one arm around her while his other hand strokes her hair. "I'm right here, see?"
Nanami stops shaking, calmed somewhat by her brother's reassuring touch, but she's still sniffling as she presses the side of her face into his chest. "You'll always be here, won't you, big brother?" She shifts a little to look pleadingly up at him, her eyes wide and wet. "You won't ever go away and leave me behind all on my own, right?" More tears spill, and she bites her lip slightly. "I don't know what I'd do if you ever went away and left me!"
In the face of her anguish, it takes a short moment for Touga to give his response.
xx
Nanami was very small in her dream, so small that it didn't feel possible for it to have been a memory instead. Even so, it still felt very real.
Perhaps because she was so small, the room she was in seemed very big. It had furniture and toys and other things in it -- all things a bedroom for children was supposed to have -- but there was still a lot of empty space around her. Moreover, there was nobody else here; Nanami was the only person in the room.
Her big brother wasn't there. Her big brother, who was always with her, wasn't there. She'd never been apart from him before, but now he was nowhere to be seen, and Nanami didn't know where he was.
Nanami felt so scared and lonely without her brother here. She didn't want to be in this room without him, all by herself.
The bedroom door wasn't locked, so she left and went running down the hallway as fast as her tiny legs would allow her, calling for her brother as she did. Brother was her very first word; she trusted that part to be a memory and not just part of the dream, if nothing else.
The hallway was incredibly big. She'd never been in such a big house before.
Eventually she came to some stairs, which connected to the other upstairs hallway and went down to an enormous entrance hall where the front door to this incredibly big house was. There were lots of grown-ups there.
She was just about to start going down those stairs when another grown-up came up behind her and grabbed her, taking her back to her room no matter how much she cried and struggled.
Before she was taken away, she thought she saw a smaller figure with familiar red hair for just a second, next to one of the grown-ups near the front door.
Nanami's dream ended there.
xx
In his all-too-vivid memory, Touga could barely stand.
Unbearable pain wracked his body, far worse than anything he'd felt in his entire life before; every step he'd been forced to take while being dragged back home -- he had no choice but to call that mansion home now -- had felt like he was going to split in half, and even now he feared that the next step, or the next one after that, or the next one after that, would be the one to make him fall apart.
He shook uncontrollably, legs too weak to properly bear his weight, as he was forced to cling to the beast he now had to call his father -- the one who'd dragged him back here, the one who'd made it so he was in such pain in the first place -- in order to remain standing. His other hand held his torn shirt together as best he could.
His new father was going to tell the other grown-ups that he fell down a hill, and that was why he'd come back dirty and dishevelled. He'd already told him to keep up that lie when he'd pulled him forcibly to his feet after finishing with him in that cabbage field.
Touga could feel the servants' eyes on him. He wished they wouldn't look at him at all now. He felt so dirty and disgusting, far dirtier than if he'd fallen in mud as he was supposed to claim he did -- so dirty that he felt he'd never be clean again no matter how much he washed and bathed himself. He hung his head to hide his filthy, tear-stained face behind the hair he'd been forced to grow out.
Before he could hide his face, he caught a brief glimpse of the very last thing he wanted to see now, at the top of the stairs.
Nanami. His little sister. The sister he wanted to protect. The sister for whom he'd been willing to accept his lot in being sent away to this loathsome new family in the first place.
He'd forgotten about her. He hadn't been thinking about her at all when he tried to run away. He was supposed to protect her, yet he'd left her behind without a single thought for her in trying to save himself.
Not that he had been able to save himself.
His already-sunken heart seemed to disappear entirely then.
xx
The short moment of silence between the siblings ends with Touga letting out a slight chuckle. It's a light sound, meant to ease the weight of Nanami's worries; he's certain she won't notice any element of irony to it.
"Don't be silly, Nanami. That was just a dream, you know." He moves his arms to place his hands on both her shoulders, giving them a firm squeeze while meeting her eyes and giving her the warm, brotherly smile he knows she wants to see. "I never left you, and I'm never going to leave you. As siblings, we'll always live for each other."
There’s a hint of doubt in Nanami's still-tearful eyes, but she gives a small nod all the same.
"If you understand," Touga continues, removing his hands from her shoulders, "then why don't you get dressed and ready so we can enjoy our breakfast together as we always do?" He takes a step back from her. "I'm not going anywhere, so there's no need for you to worry."
Nanami finally wipes the tears from her eyes and manages to give him an uneasy smile. "In that case, I won't keep you waiting long. I'll see you again in a minute, big brother." With those words, she picks up the skirt of her nightdress and turns to make her way back to her room.
Touga watches her back with a warped, ironic smile.
But I have abandoned you already. I'm the sort of man who can leave his own sister behind for his own benefit. It's been that way from the very start.
Despite his earlier memory, there's little self-deprecation in his thoughts. He's sure that choosing to abandon Nanami or otherwise toy with her will have far better results now than when he'd unthinkingly left her before. He's a man now. He has to be a man, because he refuses to think of what he must be otherwise.
For the sake of the power he seeks, there's no one he won't abandon, no sacrifice he can't make, and no heart he won't crush.
-
As always, comments and constructive criticism are both welcome and appreciated.
Title: What Can Be Left Behind
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Characters: Nanami, Touga, appearance from their shitty adoptive father in a flashback
Rating: R (heavy angst, Nanami's brother complex, child sexual abuse, manipulative behaviour, Touga being creepy)
Summary: Nanami fears that her brother will abandon her one day. Her fear doesn't come from nowhere, and Touga knows it all too well.
-
It isn't the first time that Nanami has run to her brother in distress first thing in the morning, still in her nightdress.
Touga, already dressed for the day in his uniform, is almost knocked back a step when she rushes to him in the upper floor hallway of their mansion and clings to him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his chest. "Whatever's gotten into you so early in the morning this time, Nanami?" He feigns astonishment while keeping his voice gentle.
Nanami is already starting to cry. "I just had the most horrible dream, big brother! You disappeared on me and left me all alone!" She shudders, her hands tightening their hold on the back of Touga's uniform. "It felt so real!"
There’s the slightest, most imperceptible hitch in Touga's breath -- the sort Nanami won't notice coming from him -- before he lets out an easy sigh. "Did it now? But if it was a dream, then of course it wasn’t real." He returns her embrace, one arm around her while his other hand strokes her hair. "I'm right here, see?"
Nanami stops shaking, calmed somewhat by her brother's reassuring touch, but she's still sniffling as she presses the side of her face into his chest. "You'll always be here, won't you, big brother?" She shifts a little to look pleadingly up at him, her eyes wide and wet. "You won't ever go away and leave me behind all on my own, right?" More tears spill, and she bites her lip slightly. "I don't know what I'd do if you ever went away and left me!"
In the face of her anguish, it takes a short moment for Touga to give his response.
Nanami was very small in her dream, so small that it didn't feel possible for it to have been a memory instead. Even so, it still felt very real.
Perhaps because she was so small, the room she was in seemed very big. It had furniture and toys and other things in it -- all things a bedroom for children was supposed to have -- but there was still a lot of empty space around her. Moreover, there was nobody else here; Nanami was the only person in the room.
Her big brother wasn't there. Her big brother, who was always with her, wasn't there. She'd never been apart from him before, but now he was nowhere to be seen, and Nanami didn't know where he was.
Nanami felt so scared and lonely without her brother here. She didn't want to be in this room without him, all by herself.
The bedroom door wasn't locked, so she left and went running down the hallway as fast as her tiny legs would allow her, calling for her brother as she did. Brother was her very first word; she trusted that part to be a memory and not just part of the dream, if nothing else.
The hallway was incredibly big. She'd never been in such a big house before.
Eventually she came to some stairs, which connected to the other upstairs hallway and went down to an enormous entrance hall where the front door to this incredibly big house was. There were lots of grown-ups there.
She was just about to start going down those stairs when another grown-up came up behind her and grabbed her, taking her back to her room no matter how much she cried and struggled.
Before she was taken away, she thought she saw a smaller figure with familiar red hair for just a second, next to one of the grown-ups near the front door.
Nanami's dream ended there.
In his all-too-vivid memory, Touga could barely stand.
Unbearable pain wracked his body, far worse than anything he'd felt in his entire life before; every step he'd been forced to take while being dragged back home -- he had no choice but to call that mansion home now -- had felt like he was going to split in half, and even now he feared that the next step, or the next one after that, or the next one after that, would be the one to make him fall apart.
He shook uncontrollably, legs too weak to properly bear his weight, as he was forced to cling to the beast he now had to call his father -- the one who'd dragged him back here, the one who'd made it so he was in such pain in the first place -- in order to remain standing. His other hand held his torn shirt together as best he could.
His new father was going to tell the other grown-ups that he fell down a hill, and that was why he'd come back dirty and dishevelled. He'd already told him to keep up that lie when he'd pulled him forcibly to his feet after finishing with him in that cabbage field.
Touga could feel the servants' eyes on him. He wished they wouldn't look at him at all now. He felt so dirty and disgusting, far dirtier than if he'd fallen in mud as he was supposed to claim he did -- so dirty that he felt he'd never be clean again no matter how much he washed and bathed himself. He hung his head to hide his filthy, tear-stained face behind the hair he'd been forced to grow out.
Before he could hide his face, he caught a brief glimpse of the very last thing he wanted to see now, at the top of the stairs.
Nanami. His little sister. The sister he wanted to protect. The sister for whom he'd been willing to accept his lot in being sent away to this loathsome new family in the first place.
He'd forgotten about her. He hadn't been thinking about her at all when he tried to run away. He was supposed to protect her, yet he'd left her behind without a single thought for her in trying to save himself.
Not that he had been able to save himself.
His already-sunken heart seemed to disappear entirely then.
The short moment of silence between the siblings ends with Touga letting out a slight chuckle. It's a light sound, meant to ease the weight of Nanami's worries; he's certain she won't notice any element of irony to it.
"Don't be silly, Nanami. That was just a dream, you know." He moves his arms to place his hands on both her shoulders, giving them a firm squeeze while meeting her eyes and giving her the warm, brotherly smile he knows she wants to see. "I never left you, and I'm never going to leave you. As siblings, we'll always live for each other."
There’s a hint of doubt in Nanami's still-tearful eyes, but she gives a small nod all the same.
"If you understand," Touga continues, removing his hands from her shoulders, "then why don't you get dressed and ready so we can enjoy our breakfast together as we always do?" He takes a step back from her. "I'm not going anywhere, so there's no need for you to worry."
Nanami finally wipes the tears from her eyes and manages to give him an uneasy smile. "In that case, I won't keep you waiting long. I'll see you again in a minute, big brother." With those words, she picks up the skirt of her nightdress and turns to make her way back to her room.
Touga watches her back with a warped, ironic smile.
But I have abandoned you already. I'm the sort of man who can leave his own sister behind for his own benefit. It's been that way from the very start.
Despite his earlier memory, there's little self-deprecation in his thoughts. He's sure that choosing to abandon Nanami or otherwise toy with her will have far better results now than when he'd unthinkingly left her before. He's a man now. He has to be a man, because he refuses to think of what he must be otherwise.
For the sake of the power he seeks, there's no one he won't abandon, no sacrifice he can't make, and no heart he won't crush.
-
As always, comments and constructive criticism are both welcome and appreciated.
