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flybycontactThis was written for Angstober 2024 using prompt 25, "You're No Better".
Title: Just Like Him
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Characters: Touga, Akio, many mentions of Nanami, mention of Anthy
Rating: Hard R (semi-graphic underage rape, heavy references to Touga's attempted incestuous assault of Nanami, reference to Akio's incestuous abuse of Anthy, Akio being his own warning in general, references to childhood sexual abuse, self-loathing, self-harming behaviour)
Summary: Touga goes to Akio again following Nanami's second duel, and finds it difficult to ignore the reality of trying to be like that man. Set at the end of episode 32.
DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT
-
Touga is here again, in Ends of the World's bedroom, following his sister's second and final duel in this game -- a duel he walked away from without even watching its inevitable conclusion, despite having been the one to coax her there and draw her soul sword.
It's the only place he can be after what he's done.
He sits on the edge of the bed with his shirt open and dishevelled from the Chairman's touch, halfway curled into himself and with his back to the older man, as he speaks the truth that he and Nanami are blood siblings who had both been sent to the Kiryuu family when she was too young to remember. His lips are turned upwards, but there's no joy or pleasure behind his smile; it's the mask he puts on without even thinking anymore when he's with the man he keeps telling himself he wants to emulate.
Akio Ohtori. The Chairman. Ends of the World. The most powerful man at this school. A man with the power to save people with eternity or miracles or whatever else they seek.
The sort of man who can force himself on his own sister.
Touga can still feel the aftertaste of Nanami's lips on his own; even the Chairman kissing him as soon as he stepped into this room again minutes ago hasn't made it go away. It's incredibly bitter, like tasting his own poison, and now it's mixed with that man's poison and made even worse for it.
Shifting to strip off the rest of his clothing and straddle the Chairman's waist on the bed, same as usual, he makes the claim that it's more romantic for siblings to not be bound by blood. It's much like the excuse he made when he attacked Nanami in the car -- that it must be okay if they aren't siblings, and if she loves him regardless, because what else could she have possibly meant when she'd said with tears in her eyes that she loved him?
As he lowers his hips, the realisation hits him -- that his given excuse for forcing himself on Nanami is little different to how his adoptive father used to justify his treatment of him before. It's okay, because we're not really father and son.
"Such a bad brother," Ends of the World says in twisted approval, his smirk audible in his voice.
Touga registers searing pain. It's never not painful when he's with the Chairman like this -- he knows all too well that Ends of the World does not care to be gentle -- but he's usually able to block it out in his mind for the most part in favour of deriving what pleasure he can from his own violation, real or feigned, as he's conditioned himself to do since long ago. This time, however, it's impossible for him to ignore it.
He doesn't care. He wants it to hurt this time.
His mind still wanders as it usually does as he goes through his all-too-familiar motions like a sordid marionette on strings. He recalls Nanami in the car, covering her mouth and breaking into a cold sweat, unable to speak of what she'd seen the Chairman do. He recalls knowing what she must have seen, but not being able or willing to do anything to comfort her -- not when he was mentally preparing himself to do what she'd seen to her.
He recalls how he knows what his sister saw. Ends of the World revealed that particular secret to him shortly after he'd begun to serve him directly; Touga recalls the sight of the Rose Bride laid out on the couch, nude and prone and used, her eyes dull and vacant in a way that -- much as he denied it in his mind, and still does -- felt like seeing his own reflection in the mirror. He recalls Ends of the World saying that he could have that sort of power over any woman he wanted if he kept serving him and doing everything he asked of him and becoming more like him. He recalls simply nodding at the time and wearing a smile the Chairman would approve of.
Then he recalls Nanami in the car again, this time after she'd shoved him away -- pressed against the side of the car for dear life, legs tightly shut, her head turned away and hanging over the side as if to be sick. He recalls not moving from his own side of the car after being shoved, not making any physical attempt to force himself on his sister again despite knowing it's what Ends of the World would want him to do -- despite knowing that Ends of the World would never be deterred from claiming what he wanted this easily. He recalls making his excuse that surely it's what Nanami wanted if she loved him and believed the lie he'd kept up that they weren't blood siblings. He recalls demanding to know what she did want if she didn't want him the way everyone else wants him.
He recalls the sister he once protected from their adoptive father. He recalls the sacrifices he made then, and what his father used to do to him -- an all-too-easy memory to conjure up when he's going though the same painful motions now as he did so many times then, to the point where his father and the Chairman begin to blur together in his mind; he tries to tell himself it's not the same, and denies all the ways in which it is the same. He recalls his growing resentment towards Nanami over the years, towards the innocence and ignorance he'd ensured she kept, and how he channelled that resentment into his attempt on her in the car.
Another realisation hits him now, even worse than his earlier one -- that what he tried to do to his sister is exactly what he used to protect her from. In trying to be like Ends of the World, he's becoming just like his father as well.
The realisation coincides with Ends of the World digging his nails into his hips and holding him in place as he finishes.
A moment later, Touga lifts himself off the Chairman and collapses face-down next to him on the bed, breathing heavily.
He's soaked in sweat -- moreso than usual, somehow -- and he can feel Ends of the World's seed trickling out of him. There's a slight telltale scent of metal this time, too. He wants to get up and clean himself off in the shower as soon as he can, as he usually does, but he can't make himself move.
Get up.
His body feels like it's made of lead all of a sudden, where it isn't aching or burning.
Get up.
Get up. That was the first thing his father said to him after taking him for the first time in that cabbage field so long ago. Get up.
Get up.
He can't get up. He remains where he is, feeling dirtier than he has in several years. He doesn't know how long he's going to remain here, and he's beyond caring.
At some point, he hears the Chairman moving off the bed and walking around. Without being able to see him -- it's exactly why he normally hates being on the bed on his stomach -- part of him can't tell if it's the Chairman or his father there.
By now, Touga knows he's no better than either of them.
-
As always, comments and constructive criticism are both welcome and appreciated.
Title: Just Like Him
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Characters: Touga, Akio, many mentions of Nanami, mention of Anthy
Rating: Hard R (semi-graphic underage rape, heavy references to Touga's attempted incestuous assault of Nanami, reference to Akio's incestuous abuse of Anthy, Akio being his own warning in general, references to childhood sexual abuse, self-loathing, self-harming behaviour)
Summary: Touga goes to Akio again following Nanami's second duel, and finds it difficult to ignore the reality of trying to be like that man. Set at the end of episode 32.
DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT
-
Touga is here again, in Ends of the World's bedroom, following his sister's second and final duel in this game -- a duel he walked away from without even watching its inevitable conclusion, despite having been the one to coax her there and draw her soul sword.
It's the only place he can be after what he's done.
He sits on the edge of the bed with his shirt open and dishevelled from the Chairman's touch, halfway curled into himself and with his back to the older man, as he speaks the truth that he and Nanami are blood siblings who had both been sent to the Kiryuu family when she was too young to remember. His lips are turned upwards, but there's no joy or pleasure behind his smile; it's the mask he puts on without even thinking anymore when he's with the man he keeps telling himself he wants to emulate.
Akio Ohtori. The Chairman. Ends of the World. The most powerful man at this school. A man with the power to save people with eternity or miracles or whatever else they seek.
The sort of man who can force himself on his own sister.
Touga can still feel the aftertaste of Nanami's lips on his own; even the Chairman kissing him as soon as he stepped into this room again minutes ago hasn't made it go away. It's incredibly bitter, like tasting his own poison, and now it's mixed with that man's poison and made even worse for it.
Shifting to strip off the rest of his clothing and straddle the Chairman's waist on the bed, same as usual, he makes the claim that it's more romantic for siblings to not be bound by blood. It's much like the excuse he made when he attacked Nanami in the car -- that it must be okay if they aren't siblings, and if she loves him regardless, because what else could she have possibly meant when she'd said with tears in her eyes that she loved him?
As he lowers his hips, the realisation hits him -- that his given excuse for forcing himself on Nanami is little different to how his adoptive father used to justify his treatment of him before. It's okay, because we're not really father and son.
"Such a bad brother," Ends of the World says in twisted approval, his smirk audible in his voice.
Touga registers searing pain. It's never not painful when he's with the Chairman like this -- he knows all too well that Ends of the World does not care to be gentle -- but he's usually able to block it out in his mind for the most part in favour of deriving what pleasure he can from his own violation, real or feigned, as he's conditioned himself to do since long ago. This time, however, it's impossible for him to ignore it.
He doesn't care. He wants it to hurt this time.
His mind still wanders as it usually does as he goes through his all-too-familiar motions like a sordid marionette on strings. He recalls Nanami in the car, covering her mouth and breaking into a cold sweat, unable to speak of what she'd seen the Chairman do. He recalls knowing what she must have seen, but not being able or willing to do anything to comfort her -- not when he was mentally preparing himself to do what she'd seen to her.
He recalls how he knows what his sister saw. Ends of the World revealed that particular secret to him shortly after he'd begun to serve him directly; Touga recalls the sight of the Rose Bride laid out on the couch, nude and prone and used, her eyes dull and vacant in a way that -- much as he denied it in his mind, and still does -- felt like seeing his own reflection in the mirror. He recalls Ends of the World saying that he could have that sort of power over any woman he wanted if he kept serving him and doing everything he asked of him and becoming more like him. He recalls simply nodding at the time and wearing a smile the Chairman would approve of.
Then he recalls Nanami in the car again, this time after she'd shoved him away -- pressed against the side of the car for dear life, legs tightly shut, her head turned away and hanging over the side as if to be sick. He recalls not moving from his own side of the car after being shoved, not making any physical attempt to force himself on his sister again despite knowing it's what Ends of the World would want him to do -- despite knowing that Ends of the World would never be deterred from claiming what he wanted this easily. He recalls making his excuse that surely it's what Nanami wanted if she loved him and believed the lie he'd kept up that they weren't blood siblings. He recalls demanding to know what she did want if she didn't want him the way everyone else wants him.
He recalls the sister he once protected from their adoptive father. He recalls the sacrifices he made then, and what his father used to do to him -- an all-too-easy memory to conjure up when he's going though the same painful motions now as he did so many times then, to the point where his father and the Chairman begin to blur together in his mind; he tries to tell himself it's not the same, and denies all the ways in which it is the same. He recalls his growing resentment towards Nanami over the years, towards the innocence and ignorance he'd ensured she kept, and how he channelled that resentment into his attempt on her in the car.
Another realisation hits him now, even worse than his earlier one -- that what he tried to do to his sister is exactly what he used to protect her from. In trying to be like Ends of the World, he's becoming just like his father as well.
The realisation coincides with Ends of the World digging his nails into his hips and holding him in place as he finishes.
A moment later, Touga lifts himself off the Chairman and collapses face-down next to him on the bed, breathing heavily.
He's soaked in sweat -- moreso than usual, somehow -- and he can feel Ends of the World's seed trickling out of him. There's a slight telltale scent of metal this time, too. He wants to get up and clean himself off in the shower as soon as he can, as he usually does, but he can't make himself move.
Get up.
His body feels like it's made of lead all of a sudden, where it isn't aching or burning.
Get up.
Get up. That was the first thing his father said to him after taking him for the first time in that cabbage field so long ago. Get up.
Get up.
He can't get up. He remains where he is, feeling dirtier than he has in several years. He doesn't know how long he's going to remain here, and he's beyond caring.
At some point, he hears the Chairman moving off the bed and walking around. Without being able to see him -- it's exactly why he normally hates being on the bed on his stomach -- part of him can't tell if it's the Chairman or his father there.
By now, Touga knows he's no better than either of them.
-
As always, comments and constructive criticism are both welcome and appreciated.
